Monday, August 1, 2011

there's a silver bullet for you in the cupboard.


I honestly don't know what I think,
there's a great many things that have been washing over me lately.
From friends, to family, to everything and anything that may or may not be.
Today I stuck a needle in my heart, to try and sew the gap closed -
figuratively of course. I'm not fucked up enough to actually try that.

What I realize is that I don't usually have what people need,
and I'm alright with that. What others sometimes don't realize
is that I don't have what they need.. I wish it were easier to
deal with that.
In my own special ways, I'm fairly broken,
and yet there are many who wish to lean on me.
It hurts as my soul cracks and creaks under
the collective weight of my gathered fate.
To be honest, I only truly have enough of myself for one person,
and while some may think that's odd - it's true.
I don't have it within my power to make the right people smile,
nor do I have it in me to express myself in a way that feels right.
It's a common curse, I don't think I'm special because I'm not,
no matter what anyone might read in my words.
Pulling meanings from them that aren't there,
like pulling off the toe nails of the clueless.

I'm not special, in any way shape or form,
and this isn't a method of self-deprecation,
it's just the honest truth.
Because just as I'm not special, in most ways..
Neither are you.
It's not a bad thing, of course we all have
little quirks that make us who we are,
we are unique little flowers, and blah blah blah.
But no matter what I have that you don't,
I'm definitely not more important than you,
nor am I less important.

No matter what issues anyone may be dealing with,
we're not the first to suffer by any length,
and there are definitely those who have suffered more.
Every life is significant, I guess.

It's officially August, and I hate this month. I associate it with a bad memory,
and use that memory to funnel every single one of my other bad memories,
a way to deal with my PTSD on a yearly basis almost (as unhealthy as that
is in reality), I've slowly been doing better with it though.
But still, I don't like August, it makes me feel sick to my stomach at times.
Even now realizing it's here, I don't feel well. But I'll get through this, not
like I've never managed before.

Goodnight, right?

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