Wednesday, May 11, 2011

but before I sleep.

love. sukisukisukisukisukisuki. suki, love; kisu, kiss.
I was thinking about the past for a couple of days,
and got to thinking about ex girlfriends. Not all of them,
just the ones who left the biggest impression.
What are they doing right now?
Does it matter what they're doing?
Would I care if they're with someone?
Is that someone better than I am?
Why did things end?
Stupidity, people moving, lack of love,
lack of progression, lack of intelligence
(see "stupidity").
I like to say I have no regrets, but what's a
"soul" but a composition of memories, love,
and regrets?
To live without regrets, see oxymoron, see
how not to live, see naivety, see "stupidity".
What would I do given a second chance?
For her, freeze.
For her, be joyful.
For her, nothing.
For her, leave things as are.
For her, genuinely unsure..
For her, breathe.
Maybe I'd accept a second chance for some
of the people from my past. To answer what
was left sitting in the stagnant air. To
understand the meaning of frailty.
To open ones eyes.

Going back, does it really matter?
Whether they're gone, married, broken,
a dear friend, naive, or blind, is
looking back ever better than looking

Do I have regrets..?
Yes, and no.
Every big decision and event,
I do not regret.
I have said I Love You,
one, two, three, four, five, six times.
It was honest.

The first time was a short, but extremely
intense connection. It was fleeting, yet
still clings to me. It was pure. It was
The first love was like lighting a match
for the very first time. The sound, the
instantaneous reaction and flame, and
the smell that lingers moments after
it goes out.
Even when things went wrong, they felt
right. It was odd, it was crazy, it
was completely frightening.

The second time was sweet, shy, drawn
out, and eventually we were pushed
apart before we really got the chance
to hold on.

The third time was nostalgic. It was
confusing. It was brilliant. It was
lonely. And it ended in a fire of
her own stupidity, devouring a
valuable friendship and breaking
many things in the process.

The fourth time was short and sweet,
but everlastingly passionate and
meaningful to this day.

The fifth time.. Could have overwhelmed
the first time. In the end it was unrequited.
Given time and understanding, it could have
worked. We both knew it, but it slipped away.
Every time we talked afterwards the coals
threatened to catch fire again, so not even
the friendship could be salvaged with as
much space locked between us.

The most recent time was silly. Blind.
It didn't quite manifest til the end.
Someone I still care for, and would
gladly consider again sometime.. I think.
The most recent one could have worked
easily in even slightly different circumstances.
But who knows?

I don't even know why I typed half of this.
I could have gladly ended it much earlier.

night now.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

typety type type type.

I wanted to write something,
but I don't quite remember what.
Today I watched Bakemonogatari,
a contemporary fairytale,
it was extremely dark and in
the end it left me a little..


I've been thinking about emotional ticks.
What annoys people, what brings them together,
little rituals performed regularly no matter what.

Like.. my cat died a while back, yet every time
I go downstairs I check the window to see if he's home.
It doesn't feel crummy anymore.. It's just something I
do.. Actually, someone put his collar on the door so the
bell would jingle whenever someone turned the nob or
opened or closed the door itself.
I was annoyed by that.
Or like, whenever I'm driving, I tighten up a little
whenever I see Toyota Corolla's. And I check almost
every single white car for a bumper sticker.
I check yellow cars for cracks in their back windshield.
Black ford minivans with no hubcaps.
Things that make me cringe usually.

People are weak, unforgiving, stupid, and overemotional.
We wrap ourselves in our own problems, and some of us
reach out to whoever hoping for help. While others, like
myself, don't really bother most of the time, so that
when one of those who needs help comes, they become
irrationally hurt by things that weren't said or intended,
and run before realizing the situation they were just in.

But whatever, and stuff.
Deep down I have tons to say, but no words to say them with.
I could go on for hours, coughing up random bits of information
like I usually do with this blog until I find my point. But I'm
tired, and I don't really feel any sense of obligation to this
digital sounding board.

I'll just sleep and stuff.