Monday, August 8, 2011

it's today, I hate today.

it's today.
it's a day that will probably end in dismay,
that's the way it usually is anyway.
today is the majority reason I hate August,
the "morbidity" isn't near as real as the morbidity.

I have faith in everything that ever was or wasn't,
I hope to move past my everything and anything.
it's not like I'm eternally broken,
I know I can recover.. eventually.

I hate today,
and I stupidly keep wanting something very specific to happen.
but I know there's absolutely no chance of it,
who do I think I am? someone worth it?
I wouldn't go out of my way for me.
or something, right?
emo rant over?
did it start?

I have happiness somewhere to be pursued,
but I can't pursue anyway.


I'm in Spokane right now.
It's my home, always has been.
Things in Yakima have progressively been getting worse,
actually that remains true since I moved there.
Sure there were moments and weeks and months..
Where I could see myself staying a while.

But now I'm thinking seriously,
I don't really want to live in the town
where I found out you don't exist anymore.
I don't really want to live in the town
where my family went from broken to shattered.
I don't really want to live in the town
where I meet shreds of hope and lose them soon after.

Right now I'm thinking about working a little while, and saving saving saving.
And after I save, save, save, I'm thinking about moving back home, to Spokane.
Away from you, and you, and you. Sure.. away from some of my friends,
but I'd still see them. But I don't want to see you, or you, or you either.
I'm thinking about moving back, and attending community here, and working,
and saving saving saving, and then after my community years.. Either Gonzaga or CWU.
I want to be an English major. I want to move on with my life,
as many people have already done.
I'm a stupid little bug drowned in amber,
a fool eyeing the barrel of a gun, I know it's odd.
but that's what I am, and that's what I have to overcome.

My greatest hits,
my soon-after heartaches,
move on from me quick and easy.

and whatever?


job, save, spokane, job, community, save save save, gonzaga/cwu, live.

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