anxiety attacks me, I don't know what I'd do with with without it.
it keeps me aware of my werebear in yonder lair or some shit, I don't know.
what if I dreamed? not nightmare'd, but dreamt normally like others do.
saw the kind of things most others see, but through my own eyes,
brilliant white weddings in warm green snow atop a floating islet of steel,
instead of a torn-tattered-barbed suckerpunch in the lung that has me
vomiting flicks and flakes of steel all over some organic mess that is
probably a clever analogy for my sense of self or something.
who knows, my nightmares get weird and fucked up, and the doctors I've
seen say it's all PTSD, anxiety, and depression. which I typically
refuse medication for constantly, because why would I accept medication
from someone that's obviously heavily medicated themselves?
taking a sidebar, might I say that psychiatrists do need to have life
experience as a requirement, but do they need to self test the product?
anyway, this isn't to say I never ever have good dreams. hell, in the
past few weeks I've had two or three, which is impressive.
two of them ended in a soul-warming kiss, which still make me feel
good inside to some extent you know? you know, you know?
well maybe you don't, or do know, but that's not important anyway.
sure I'm depressed right now.
actually I was depressed before too, and stressed, and oppressed and
other -essed's.
sure I'm depressed.
but since I was depressed before, this is recurring. I have a couple of
new reasons to be so, but that's not all that important I don't think.
well.. it is important to me, but not for negative reasons I guess.
wells are truly terrifying, aren't they? maybe not as you'd think,
but say you could see what I do right now, maybe you'd agree? maybe not.
I guarantee this post isn't going to have much for anyone that's trying
for any semblance of sanity. just the opposite, in fact, my dear Watsoroo.
but really, I want to dream like dreams that are described to me. I want
to wake up with more smiles than sighs.
I want optimism, I've never really had that.
well, I have.. but not really when it counts.
I'm plenty optimistic when I'm happy, content.
otherwise I'm pessimistic and cynical,
I'm engrossed in the worst possible scenario,
the realistically worst possible scenario.
I live and breathe it, because when things
can go wrong, they tend to go wrong, all the way.
I'm scared right now, because I don't know if I
should be optimistic or pessimistic, if I have
any reason to be anything other than whatever I must.
I'm scared right now, because I think it's the normal
emotion anyone else would use to handle this situation.
this situation being everything, everything bearing over
me, and almost asking for what I do hang onto for happiness.
I'm pathetic, I know so. I expect happiness to dry up, and
when it does I dwell on every single reason why. not just the
obvious reasons, but EVERYTHING that would make me unhappy,
and that makes me moreso, and probably the reason I'm depressed.
I could fix this. I am fixing this. I am stronger than I think.
or so I'd like to think, right?
right, I'd like to think that.
I'm sad about things that happened up to three years ago,
six years, seven years, eight years. etc.
because dad never taught me what you do after you hold it in.
probably because dad didn't know what to do next either.
I think I feel more comfortable typing this knowing that the
people I wouldn't want to read this, won't. anyone that would,
probably won't, probably gave up partway through. partway is nice.
I like partway.
actually I'd give up partway too. partway being at the beginning.
if you read this far, you must really like me.
how's that feel? to know you like me enough to read this far.
must feel.. life confirming somehow? I wouldn't know, but I
want my nonsleeping dreams to come true.
can you do that, mister/miss-reader-person?
doubt it. you don't even know a fraction of my dreams.
or the ones I most want to come true. even a little.
but one dream is, I want to smile, right now.
simple enough, I think.
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